A Crack of Scenery
by Hatsunation
Summary: Collection of drabbles for those with an odd sense of humor. Warning for gore, violence, dark humor, possible adult themes, OOC-ness, and anything else terrible that the internet typically condones. Chapter 9 Summary: Why Jack hates Leonardo di Caprio.
1. Howling with Laughter

_In the course of writing A Change of Scenery my mind goes to weird places and with my brother to talk to, it only gets worse from there._

 _Just do remember, I'm a comedian at heart so these awkward displays of humor have to find an outlet in some way._

 _Please enjoy the worst jokes you'll ever bear witness to._

* * *

Jack howled with laughter and pulled out a shotgun from his hoodie. His eyes turned a bloody red with glee as he pumped shells into all those around him. From above Sandman descended, wagging a disapproving finger at his usual antics.

'I don't care if I keep losing believers this way. It's my version of fun!' he laughed psychotically, 'Wind, take me on a murder spree!'

Flying into the air with his trusty staff in one hand and his lovingly chosen murder weapon shotgun of awesomeness in the other, he flashed a grin at the moon that continued to shine and smile as brightly as before, if not stronger.

Sandman shook his head with a smile. _Kids these days_.


	2. Side Quests

_Came up with this one while I was drawing so not relevant to my fic but it made me lose enough oxygen laughing that I felt it needed to be written._

 _*coughs* Losing oxygen like Jack when he drowned *cough*_

 _I'm sorry. I discovered tumblr._

* * *

'That is why you weren't here?' North asked, 'You were with Pitch?'

'OH MY GOOOOD,' Jack whined, 'Haven't you ever heard of a side quest? God damn noobs, no one ever finishes that campaign without doing side quests. Get on my level scrubs.'

'Jack, what are you talking about?' Tooth asked with a look of concern.

'OH MY GOOOOD don't patronize me. You don't understand my angst. Try drowning in a fucking pond before you talk to me bish,' Jack said with a hair flip, snapping his fingers in a 'J' formation.

'Don't talk to her like that mate,' Bunnymund threatened.

'OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. Trying 420 blazing it some time you stupid kangaroo. I'm out of here. No one understands my feelings!'

With that Jack flew away on the wind to Antarctica where he began to whine to Pitch in the same manner, resulting in getting tossed in an ice crevice and mauled by nightmares for good measure. In the end, Pitch ended up defeating the guardians but it was for the better if it meant they didn't have to suffer through Jack's company.


	3. Golden Glow

_I basically spent my whole summer playing Skyrim. It's no wonder that I ended up with a crack inspired by it._

 _And now I'm off to think about how exactly to program a Jack Frost mod for Skyrim :E_

* * *

Resuming his flight through the foliage, he noticed a golden glow as a clearing rose from the loom of the forest.

This was it. The Golden Glow Estate.

Peter and Jamie quickly ducked under the bridge to avoid the detection of the mercenaries and body guards patrolling the perimeter. In order to live up the the standards of the Thieves Guild, the two would need to use stealth befitting of the members of the Black Brotherhood.

Waving his hand, Peter signaled Jamie to move forward and use his flame spells on the beehives, distracting the guards. Now was their chance!

As they prepared to make a break for the entrance a roar pierced the air. It was Jack the frost dragon!

While using the distraction would be in their best interests, Peter knew he couldn't afford to let the dragon run rampant through the Riften countrysides. Such was his obligation as dragonborn!

Unsheathing his bow, Peter notched an arrow and aimed at Jack.

'I'm sorry,' was all he said as he let forth a shout to mark the frost dragon for death.


	4. Jack Frost and Jack Frost

_So this one is irrelevant to my fic as well but hey, drabbles right? (Although I did reference this movie in my story but nyah)_

 _So if you haven't watched the 1996/7 Jack Frost movie you will be VERY confused. But you can just be entertained by the general concept without really getting the reference and that's still fun :D_

* * *

His intentions had been good, wasn't that enough?

After centuries of hearing carols and tales of Frosty the Snowman, Jack had become curious. Was it possible to actually bring a snowman to life? He had after all brought simpler things to life like drawings of bunnies in frost.

With this confidence in mind, Jack set out to build the perfect snowman, going so far to as to craft some semblance of hands instead of shoving branches into their sides. Donning the sculpture with a scarf, carrot nose, coal eyes, and some twigs for eyebrows, he gave his creation a satisfactory nod.

With a bit of coaxing, the snow shuddered to life.

Jack gave a whoop of joy. 'It's alive!'

'The fuck are you going on about pixie?' The snowman shot back.

His initial reaction was now replaced with confusion. 'What?'

'Oh great. He's frozen by his own stupidity,' the snowman cackled, 'It almost wouldn't be ice to just kill you!'

'Wha- Hey!' Jack tumbled out of the way of the icicle projectile fired by the snowman with murderous intent. 'What the heck are you?!'

'What?' the snowman fumed, 'More like who! I'm the great Jack Frost: murderer extraordinaire! Jack is nimble, Jack is quick! Jack gouges out eyes with candlesticks!'

Before Jack(not the snowman) could further attempt the situation he had exactly gotten himself into, the snowman burst forward with incredible speed, attempting to latch onto his neck with their snowy hands.

'Wind!' he yelped, flying up into the air. Dodging the lethal snowballs flying left and right, he quickly yelled, 'Take me to Pitch!'

To be continued…?


	5. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

_This is based off the lovely RotG videogame chockfull of bugs galore! The most common ones I've seen are North randomly flying up into the air(it happened to Jack once but at least he can actually fly), crashes that create a loud buzzing noise, rolling in mid air when rolling off ramps, and that the yetis will continue chipping away at the air with their tools even if you destroy the ice sculptures they were working on._

 _I hope you find this little conspiracy theory me and my twin bro came up with while playing interesting._

* * *

'Hey North, why are the yetis trying to shape the ice even though the sculptures are gone?'

Jack looked expectantly at the Russian for an answer, Tooth and Sandy showing similar interest in the inquiry.

'Hold on, are we not going to talk about the fact that Frostbite here whacked the gumbies until the sculptures broke?' Bunnymund asked with disbelief, 'Is that not important or something?'

Sandy merely shrugged and continued staring North down for an explanation for the odd behaviour.

'Well you see-'

'Do you… _torture_ them?' Jack questioned.

Tooth's eyes widened with horror as she looked over the hardworking yetis with a look of pity. 'He wouldn't…'

North merely offered a deadpan expression before flying up into the air.

'He's a traitor!' Jack yelped, 'He must be working with Pitch!'

'What about you?! You're the one that was whacking around the yetis!' Bunnymund protested.

'Я говорю случайных слов в русском языке!' North yelled to the sky as he faded away from the workshop. The others remained frozen in place as an awful buzzing noise started to resound without falter.


	6. Jack Frost roasting on an open fire

_Writer's block being a feisty piece of ice?_

 _Write parodies and carols!_

 _They won't really help but it's pretty entertaining!_

* * *

(To the tune of A Christmas Song, or you know, chestnuts roasting on an open fire)

Jack Frost drowning in an icy pond,

Jack Frost nipping at your nose.

Yule tide carols, being sung by Jack Frost

And folks dressed up in frost hoodies.

Everybody knows

A jack Frost and some mistletoe

Help to give your lips frostbite.

Tiny tots wishing for a snow day

Won't see Jack Frost cuz they don't believe

okayyyyyyyyy

They'd wish that jack frost was on his way

Even though he really is but they can't see and it's gay.

And every mother's child is gonna spy

To see if Jack Frost is as chill as Tooth saaaaaaaaaaays.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

To kids from one through ninety two

Although it's yet to be said, if it's ever said at alllllll

Jack Frost is real but you don't care.


	7. Egg-traordinary Cravings

_...I got this idea while rewatching the movie._

 _I noticed Sandy guzzling down eggnog in one scene so I wrote this._

 _...Why no, I'm not questioning my sanity, why do you ask?_

* * *

'How could you Sandy?! Thanks to you, there'll be no Easter!'

 _A couple days before…_

'Cookies? Eggnog, anyone?'

Although it was an ope invitation, Sandy was the only one to partake in the offer. Bunnymund was too busy arguing the importance of Easter so why not wait until the topic of their gathering came up?

A yeti approached holding a tray of eggnog, cups arranged neatly and brimming with said beverage. Sandy had never tried it before but how bad could it be? He took a cup and got a whiff of the creamy scent.

Smelled promising.

He then took a delicate sip. Then another. Then began to guzzle the thing down like oxygen. On cup after the next was constant eggnog-y goodness. After downing about six he finally stopped himself.

What was it that made the drink so delicious? There was egg- Egg.

Sandy's eyes darted over to the egg Bunnymund was painting. It was a boiled egg, right? Maybe if he could try it he could get to the bottom of eggnog's mysterious addictive flavour…

No. He mustn't. For whatever reason Sandy felt like it would be a trap into a vicious cycle that wouldn't stop until the destruction of those he cared about and then himself. Something about eggs was-

Now the egg was in his hand and he was cracking open the hand painted shell. Bunnymund seemed to not have even noticed so engrossed he was in debating the importance of his holiday over North's.

He looked down at the perfect white shape sitting in his palm. It was so smooth and _egg shaped_! Curiously, he broke the egg in two, watching how the rubbery whites separated to reveal the creamy yolk inside. To think that what he was holding in his hands could have become a living thing. Any egg could!

Sandy almost felt bad for the egg. Almost. In one smooth motion he gobbled down the egg just as he realised the moon was trying to to tell the Guardians something.

He needed more.

All the running around made Sandy have a desperate craving for more. Those spotlessly white and yellow filled eggs. Whatever their form, he need more. Sandy knew Bunnymund had tons of eggs. If he could get his hands on those…

!

That sneaky Pitch! While he was distracted thinking about eggs he went and fired an arrow of nightmare sand at him! Sandy felt himself getting weaker but the eggs! He needed those eggs… Maybe if he took the opportunity to disappear to Bunnymund's warren…

He heard Jack scream but Sandy knew he'd be alright. He'd rejoin the Guardians as soon as he could! He just needed more eggs.

 _Present day…_

'How could you Sandy?! Thanks to you, there'll be no Easter!'

Bunnymund raged about his warren, glaring at the heap of broken egg shells. North and Tooth looked confused as could be, most likely wondering why it was that Sandy was alive and viciously devouring Bunny's googies no doubt. Jack, however, seemed content to make snide remarks to himself about how they thought Pitch and his nightmares were the worst of their problems. At the top of it all was Sandy, finally at peace with his egg cravings.

A sort of inner peace and clarity settled over him, finally understanding why it was that the Pooka was so enamoured with eggs. But no more! Sandy had fed his cravings to the fullest and was egged out. Now he and the other Guardians could focus on beating Pitch.

...Well. Another cup of eggnog couldn't hurt.


	8. Magic 8

_I was playing Sims 3._

 _This happened._

 _Geez, Sims are so moody._

* * *

Magic 8 balls are innocent fun, right?

WRONG.

There's nothing fun about hearing that you'll never find true love, even if you weren't looking in the first place!

To fight this cursed fate, Jack decided, right there and then, he'd go find a date. And not just _a_ date. More like _three_ dates. Then that fortune telling piece of plastic would have to change their prediction and by then, it wouldn't even matter what it said.

Jack Frost was going to cheat fate!

'Hey Jack, you wanna go hang out at the Summer Festival?' Peter asked, 'I mean, yeah it's summer and all but festivals are chill, right?'

Jack stared blankly at Peter.

'Uh… Are you okay?' Peter questioned.

'No I'm not okay! Stop interrogating me! And why would I want to hang out with you? At least talk to me first or buy me dinner! Creep. I'm out of here, aurora borealis and all. Learn some social graces next time you want to hang out me, pleb.'

Jack flew away angrily, feeling frustrated that he had to have a conflict with someone he cared about. But in the end, he decided Peter was daft for not realising that he had his own mid life crisis going on. Now Jack had to go deal with Guardian business and still not be able to go find some dates!

...Well, Tooth had a thing for him, right?


	9. Unsinkable, they said

_It's been a while._

 _Not that anyone follows this story though, yet an awful lot of people read it._

 _Bloody weirdos._

 _My bad. I have two followers. 'Least you two aren't weirdos._

* * *

'I want to be a pirate!' Jack declared to no one in particular since this is set at the point in time where Jack is still a wayward loner winter spirit. And with no one around to tell him this was a very bad idea, he flew away on the wind to become the most fearsome pirate of the northern waters since he would suffer anywhere remotely close to the Caribbean.

Being the spirit of winter that he was, what better ship would befit him other than a massive iceberg! Of course artfully sculpted into something remotely similar to a fearsome ship. Once he spotted a reasonably large iceberg that would be a suitable starting pointing, Jack began the lengthy task of crafting the ultimate vessel.

For days and nights he chipped at the ice until he at last created a wholly ineffective but pretty to look at pirate ship. There were swooping rails and an intricately carved mast. Even the ice was carved to mimic the texture of wood! It was perfect without a doubt, or at least Jack thought so.

He looked over the vessel with a feeling of pride but there was one thing missing… A crew! What ship didn't have a crew? With this realisation Jack quickly conjured up a fleet of snowmen that would feel no fear and forever be loyal, such was the way of snowmen. Also, they were inanimate so they couldn't feel a thing.

He looked over the crew, looking dignified as a pirate captain should, 'Now listen here you scurvy dogs! So long as you're on this ship I am your captain and what I say goes! Anyone who objects can walk the plank! Understand?'

The crew remained silent, per the nature of snowmen.

'Oh, you don't think I'm a real captain because I don't got a hat? Well I have ye sent to Davey Jones' locker with that sort of back talk!' he spat. With that he flew down to the deck and hooked his staff around one of the snowmen, flinging them overboard into the icy waters.

'Now then,' Jack turned back to the crew, setting a grand captain's hat made of frost on his head, 'Any other questions for Captain Jack?'

Without a response to be heard, Captain Jack flew back to his post at the helm of the ship, 'Now, we head… starboard…? I said starboard, don't question me!' With what he shoved the snowmen around the decks to their appropriate positions before actually setting the appropriate course himself, as he crew still failed to be anything but immobile. However this arrangement suited Captain Jack just fine and he started to sing a song about things that he assumed pirates would sing about as his ship sailed away from the arctic waters to the unknown Pacific ocean.

* * *

'Hoist the sails! Tonight's going to be a windy one and we need as much speed as we can get!' Captain Jack ordered to the crew. He still wasn't entirely sure if the commands he were yelling were correct or not but it didn't really matter since he was the one carrying out the orders anyway.

With the sails in correct order, Captain Jack flew down to the hull of the ship, gazing out to the pitch black waters dutifully reflecting the stars twinkling above. With everything going so smoothly, Captain Jack considered flying off and leaving the ship to go on an adventure or two and come back to it later. After all, the thing was so darn slow it probably wouldn't even have gone all that far.

He suppressed a yawn of boredom. That sounded a lot more fun than hanging around a bunch of judgy snowmen. As Captain Jack was about to take off he stilled himself as his eyes caught sight of a glow in the distance. His eyes grew wide with surprise.

'Ship ahoy!' he yelled, flying around the mast in excitement, 'Ready the canons! We pillage them of their treasure tonight!'

The snowmen cheered and jeered, or at least Captain Jack imagined they did. He shoved them to their new posts before flying up to the crow nest to spy upon the incoming ship with a looking glass made of ice.

Through the frosty lens, Captain Jack could see warm lights decorating the deck. Through the portholes he could catch glimpses of people dancing around happily in fine clothes. The melodies that they danced to were wafting across the ocean, now close enough for Captain Jack to pick up. They'd definitely have lots of treasure. But there were so many people aboard and they were right for it…!

Just as quickly as Captain Jack had issued the command he now revoked it. He flew down across the decks, bellowing at every carrot nose he saw, 'Abandon canons! All men on port! Just don't attack that ship!'

However the snowmen remained just as still as they have been since they first enlisted as part of Captain Jack's crew. The ship continued to sail ahead towards the hull of the other ship and with horror Captain Jack realised the full weight of the circumstance upon him.

'A mutiny?!' Captain Jack exclaimed, 'I don't allow it! You do as I say or…!'

He fell silent under the frosty stares of the snowmen, staring back with their black coal eyes that reflected their own hearts. A captain no more, Jack felt the weight of abandonment settle on his shoulders. As much as he would have liked to mourn the betrayal, the winter spirit leapt into action. Even though his crew had abandoned him, he still had to try to stop the ships from colliding!

Jack flew to the helm of his former ship and grabbed hold of the wheel, spinning it frantically in hopes to steer away. With that doing little to remedy the situation, he resorted to trying to manually shove the iceberg out the way, meeting with the same amount of success as before even with the Wind on his side.

The once distant ship was now looming overhead, the moment of impact approaching even more rapidly. With a heavy heart he left the two ships, not wanting to watch the collision. Naturally his curiosity got the better of him and he turned to watch the other ship called the Titanic crash into the ship he used to call his own.

He kept a silent vigil over those who failed to make it to safety and kept a watchful eye over the lifeboats of those who were. Even though he could do nothing for the cold, he could at least try to cheer them up in what ways he could. And so Jack would fly by the lifeboats and draw frost patterns on the water's waves in hopes to convey his regrets to whoever noticed the delicate patterns.

* * *

'...so we were learning about the Titanic in class today and I wanted to rewatch the movie about it so I thought I'd ask if you want to see it since you probably never have before,' Jamie grinned, 'One of the main character's are even named Jack! Isn't that cool?'

'Oh, well, uh, I actually have seen it before,' Jack answered, 'It was okay.'

'What? But Jack's played by Leonardo di Caprio!' Peter exclaimed, 'You couldn't ask for a better looking guy to play someone with the same name as you.'

'Did you know that he almost got turned down for the role because of that same reason?' Monty piped in.

While the others enjoyed the fun-ness of the fun fact, Jack merely shrugged. 'I just don't think he's that great. And the movie kind of sucks too. The whole Titanic thing is overrated.'

'Wow, that's cold,' Peter teased, only to be met with no response as Jack stared off into the distance contemplatively.

'What was that?' Jamie asked, leaning closer to hear what it was Jack had muttered.

'I just don't like Leonardo di Caprio! Okay?!' With that Jack punted the head off the snowman they had been working on and flew away to Antarctica where all the other winter spirits consisting of just himself flew to angst, for that was the way of the winter spirits.


	10. Frozen Fever

_This is somewhat spoilerish to my other story A Change of Scenery._

 _But if you don't really then by all means read on!_

* * *

From her hands a bolt of cold shot forward like lightning, racing across the powdery snow before plunging into his chest like a knife.

Peter breathed sharply as his hand went to his chest to feel cold seize his heart much akin to the sensation of drinking a Surplee too quickly. Only the feeling didn't fade away but grew colder like a lump of ice was in his chest instead. He brought his hand away to see it was covered in a fine layer of frost. Panic started to bubble up as he tried to let out a yell for help as he fell onto the ground, watching the world turn a stark white around him.

'Peter!'

Jack rushed forward to aid his friend, staring at the being that had caused this. 'Why would you do this?!'

'Just leave me alone,' she said, turning away from the boys, 'Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried.'

'Don't let them in, don't let them see,' Peter murmured in an ice induced hysteria, 'Be the good girl you always have to be.'

'Conceal, don't feel, don't let them knooooow,' she sang, 'But now they knoooooow!'

'What's going on?' Jack asked.

'Let it go!' Peter and the woman sang, 'Let it go! Can't hold it back anymore! Let it go! Let it gOOOooo! Turn away and slam the dOOoor!'

'Okay, you know what? This is too weird for me. Come on Peter, I'm getting you help,' Jack said, scooping Peter into his arms.

'YOUNG KRISTOFF CAN MELT MY FROZEN HEART!' Peter yelled, 'HUP! HO! WATCH YOUR STEP. LET IT GO!'

'LET IT GO! I AM ONE WITH THE WIND AND SKY!' she sang.

Jack flinched and dropped Peter back into the snow. 'I'm out. Enjoy your frozen fever.'


End file.
